The Surprising Truth About Therapy for Relationship Issues
You're struggling in your relationship. Communication is broken, arguments are constant, and you feel more like roommates than partners. You know you need help, but your partner is hesitant. So, you decide to start individual therapy on your own, hoping to fix things by fixing yourself. It seems like a logical first step, but what if that step could actually make things worse?
Clinical research suggests a powerful and often misunderstood truth: pursuing individual therapy to address a couple's problem carries a significant, documented risk of relationship dissolution. 1 While individual therapy is a vital tool for personal growth, its application to a joint problem can sometimes lead to what the field calls "iatrogenic damage," or therapist-induced harm. 1 This is not a condemnation of individual therapy; it's a critical distinction about when and why a particular therapeutic approach might be a poor fit.
A pivotal study on this topic found that when therapists offer "undermining statements" about a client's partner—such as suggesting they'll never change or diagnosing them without ever meeting them—there is a direct and statistically significant link to adverse relationship outcomes. In fact, each additional undermining statement was associated with an 18% increase in the odds of separating or divorcing. 3
So, why does this happen? The core problem lies in the therapeutic format itself. Individual therapy, by design, focuses on one person's perspective. A therapist, hearing only one side of the story, may unintentionally "side against" the non-attending partner and reinforce a one-sided, blame-filled narrative. 4 This can lead to a polarized position that makes reconciliation and mutual understanding far more difficult.
Why a Relationship-Focused Approach is Different
In contrast, couples therapy operates on a fundamental principle: the relationship itself is the client. 5 A couple’s therapist's job is not to decide who is right or wrong but to help both partners understand their shared, systemic patterns of interaction. 4 This approach provides a safe, neutral space to break destructive cycles of communication and rebuild a connection.
The data on the effectiveness of couples therapy is robust. Studies show that a significant majority of couples who complete therapy report positive outcomes, with success rates often cited around 70%. 8 One study found that up to 90% of couples report significant improvements 9, and 98% describe the overall experience as good or excellent. 8
This success is often attributed to specific, research-backed methodologies:
The Gottman Method: Based on over 50 years of research by Drs. John and Julie Gottman, this approach can predict relationship stability and divorce with over 90% accuracy by identifying behaviors like the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling). 10
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), pioneered by Dr. Sue Johnson, helps partners de-escalate negative cycles and create a secure emotional bond rooted in attachment theory. 11 Studies show that 70-75% of couples move from distress to recovery with EFT, with benefits lasting up to two years. 13
These models work by focusing on the core dynamics between partners, which is something a therapist working with a single person cannot do.
When Individual Therapy is the Right Answer
This isn't to say that individual therapy is never a good choice. It is the most appropriate modality for addressing personal mental health issues such as anxiety, depression, or unaddressed trauma. 14 In fact, some therapists will recommend that a partner first address a serious issue like addiction or abuse in individual sessions before starting couples therapy. 15
Individual therapy is also the only viable option when one partner refuses to participate in conjoint sessions. 4 In these cases, individual work can still promote positive changes in the relationship by helping the attending partner develop self-awareness, improve their coping skills, and gain a clearer understanding of their own contribution to the problem. 17
Taking the First Step: Recommendations for Your Relationship
Navigating relationship distress is a personal journey, but research provides a clear roadmap. The choice between individual and couples therapy is not a simple one, but it depends on the core issues you want to address.
Here are three key recommendations to give your relationship the best chance at success:
Don't Wait. The average unhappy couple waits an astonishing six years before seeking counseling. 8 This waiting period allows destructive patterns to become deeply ingrained and far more challenging to change. The sooner you seek help, the better your prognosis. 19
Find a Specialist. The risk of iatrogenic damage often stems from a lack of specialized training. 21 When searching for help, prioritize a therapist with specific training in couples and family therapy, such as a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (MFT), who is trained to treat the relationship itself. 22
Choose Commitment Over Blame. Therapy can only be effective if both partners are willing to be vulnerable, take responsibility, and commit to the process. 21 The most successful couples are those who approach therapy as a team working together against a common problem, rather than as adversaries in a courtroom. 5
Couples therapy is not a magical fix, but it is an evidence-based and powerful tool for building communication, resolving conflict, and rediscovering the connection you and your partner deserve. 13
References
Beware: Individual Therapy Can Harm Your Marriage | Psychology Today, accessed August 26, 2025, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/resolution-not-conflict/201202/beware-individual-therapy-can-harm-your-marriage
Legal and Ethical Issues in Couple Therapy - CE-Credit.com, accessed August 26, 2025, https://www.ce-credit.com/articles/101857/Legal_Ethical_Issues_Couples_Therapy.pdf
Relationship‐undermining statements by psychotherapists with clients who present with marital or couple problems - PMC, accessed August 26, 2025, https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC9543449/
Individual Therapy for Couple Problems: Perspectives and Pitfalls - ResearchGate, accessed August 26, 2025, https://www.researchgate.net/publication/262115037_Individual_Therapy_for_Couple_Problems_Perspectives_and_Pitfalls
Relationship advice from a couple psychologist - American Psychological Association, accessed August 26, 2025, https://www.apa.org/news/podcasts/speaking-of-psychology/relationship-advice
Couples therapy | EBSCO Research Starters, accessed August 26, 2025, https://www.ebsco.com/research-starters/health-and-medicine/couples-therapy
A research-driven flowchart to approach change in couples - Frontiers, accessed August 26, 2025, https://www.frontiersin.org/journals/psychology/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2024.1438394/full
What Percentage of Marriages Survive After Counseling?, accessed August 26, 2025, https://www.wellmarriagecenter.com/what-percentage-of-marriages-survive-after-counseling/
Differentiation vs. Attachment in Couples Therapy, accessed August 26, 2025, https://jamesmchristensen.com/blog/differentiation-vs-attachment-in-couples-therapy
Overview - Research | The Gottman Institute, accessed August 26, 2025, https://www.gottman.com/about/research/
Dr. Sue Johnson: Home, accessed August 26, 2025, https://drsuejohnson.com/
Dr. Sue Johnson: A Revolutionary in Love and Healing - ICEEFT, accessed August 26, 2025, https://iceeft.com/about-dr-sue-johnson/
Couples Therapy: Definition, Techniques, and Efficacy - Verywell Mind, accessed August 26, 2025, https://www.verywellmind.com/couples-therapy-definition-types-techniques-and-efficacy-5191137
Do You Need Couples or Individual Therapy? - Talkspace, accessed August 26, 2025, https://www.talkspace.com/blog/couples-therapy-vs-individual-therapy/
Why Couples Therapy “Doesn't Work” (And How to Give Your Relationship the Best Chance), accessed August 26, 2025, https://www.cadencepsychologystudio.com/post/why-couples-therapy-doesn-t-work-and-how-to-give-your-relationship-the-best-chance
Treating Challenging Couples Cases - American Psychological Association, accessed August 26, 2025, https://www.apa.org/education-career/ce/treating-challenging-couples-cases.pdf
Individual vs Couples Therapy: Find the Right Approach - The Counseling Center Group, accessed August 26, 2025, https://counselingcentergroup.com/individual-vs-couples-therapy/
How Individual Therapy Can Help with Relationship Issues - Awakenings Counseling, accessed August 26, 2025, https://awakeningscenter.org/how-individual-therapy-can-help-with-relationship-issues/
Will Couples Therapy Work? Crucial Elements That Predict Success, accessed August 26, 2025, https://couplestherapyinc.com/will-couples-therapy-work/
Alan S. Gurman's research works | Northwestern University and other places, accessed August 26, 2025, https://www.researchgate.net/scientific-contributions/Alan-S-Gurman-2047568902
Couples Therapy Success Rate: Better Outcomes | Blog, accessed August 26, 2025, https://therapytalk.io/blogs/couples-therapy-success-rate-better-outcomes
Couple and Family Psychology, accessed August 26, 2025, https://www.apa.org/ed/graduate/specialize/family
Marriage and Family Therapists, accessed August 26, 2025, https://www.aamft.org/AAMFT/Consumer_Updates/MFT.aspx
Relationship Rescue: Opting for Individual vs. Couples Therapy - Kids First Services, accessed August 26, 2025, https://www.kidsfirstservices.com/first-insights/psychotherapy-for-relationship-issues-individual-vs-couples-therapy